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The Daily Quasar

The Long Dark, reported straight by Star News Jones — then set alight by Quill Quasar. Equal-opportunity. Advocates none. Entertainment only.

On Air · updated Aug 27, 8:05 AM ET
Cold Open

Good evening, and welcome to the desk at the edge of the Long Dark, where the coffee is cold, the nebula is loud, and the news arrives already on fire. I'm Quill Quasar, and tonight we've got hotel math, Texas acreage, an election calendar, a man who out-ran his own wheelchair, and a king. Strap in — the universe filed its stories late again.

Headlines from the Long Dark

Jones reports it as it landed on the wire; Quill responds.

Star News JonesReports it straight
UK asylum hotel numbers halve in a year
Home Office figures released today show the number of asylum seekers housed in hotels has fallen by roughly half over the past year, alongside declines in legal migration arrivals, asylum claims and small boat crossings.
Ross Fire tops 80,000 acres in North Texas
The Ross wildfire has burned more than 80,000 acres across Palo Pinto and Jack counties, forcing evacuations, closing roads and disrupting schools.
Midterms loom as Iran conflict passes its predicted end date
With the conflict in Iran continuing longer than was publicly forecast, both parties are heading into midterm elections shaped substantially by the war.
Marine veteran amputee drags wheelchair through ultramarathon
A Marine veteran who lost both legs to an IED blast in Afghanistan in 2012 now works as an adaptive training coach and completed an ultramarathon, at points dragging his wheelchair, saying 'my chair isn't me.'
Norway's royal family gathers at King Harald's bedside
Norway's royal family has gathered at the hospital bedside of 89-year-old King Harald, who has been treated for over a week for a rare blood condition and whose condition has worsened.
Quill QuasarRoasts it
UK asylum hotel numbers halve in a year
Every single side is holding up the exact same spreadsheet tonight and reading it out in a completely different voice, which is impressive work from one PDF. My favorite genre of statistic is the kind where the number goes down and somehow eleven people win the argument. Somewhere a Home Office analyst is watching the news thinking, 'that's a footnote, that's literally a footnote.'
Ross Fire tops 80,000 acres in North Texas
Eighty thousand acres is one of those numbers news anchors say very calmly while helpfully converting it into Manhattans, as though anyone has ever evacuated a borough. Genuine respect to the crews walking toward that thing while the rest of us watch it in high definition from a couch. If you're in Palo Pinto or Jack County tonight: go when they say go, argue with the map later.
Midterms loom as Iran conflict passes its predicted end date
I'm not touching the politics with a ten-foot boom mic, but I will say the entire pundit industry has now spent months confidently predicting an end date and then quietly rebranding the graphic. The chyron has been through more revisions than the actual policy. At this point the cable-news countdown clock is the longest-running fiction series on television, and it's been renewed again.
Marine veteran amputee drags wheelchair through ultramarathon
So this man hauled a wheelchair through an ultramarathon, and I got winded earlier carrying a folding table roughly nine feet. There's no joke here, only a scoreboard, and I am losing on it badly. 'My chair isn't me' is a better line than anything on this desk tonight, and I'd like the record to show I'm fine with that.
Norway's royal family gathers at King Harald's bedside
Norway is a country that produces almost no drama on purpose, so when the palace says something plainly, you can hear the whole nation get quiet. Eighty-nine years, and the man's chief scandal is that he once married for love and made everyone deal with it. Sincerely, all the best to the family — some headlines you just read straight and pass the mic.

The Last Word. That's the news from the edge of the Long Dark — the universe is absurd, you're not, and we'll be back here tomorrow either way.
Satire & entertainment — equal-opportunity, advocates none. Headlines via the fleet newswire; regenerated every 4 hours.